THE DARKEST HOUR IS JUST BEFORE DAWN

Dawn

(Photo courtesy of J. Tria)

In an attempt to cheer up and brighten the day of a friend who was feeling depressed, I sent her some inspiring words and at the end of my short message wrote, "...the darkest hour is just before dawn."

She quickly responded and asked me to explain what that meant.

During one of the bleakest periods in my life when I felt so all alone, hopeless and helpless and had to exert a real effort to carry on, I made a poster with uplifting words "...the darkest hour is just before dawn" which I excerpted from a song of the American folk-rock vocal group, The Mamas and the Papas.

I hung the poster on a conspicuous place in my room that will serve as reminder to me that sooner or later, things will change and get better. That kept me in perspective and gave me hope to carry on.

Okay, let's explain what that means. 

"...The darkest hour is just before dawn."

First, what is dawn?

The dictionary defines dawn as, "the first appearance of light in the sky before sunrise." 

What is dawn in Tagalog?

"Madaling araw. Or bukang liwayway."

Iyon yung nagsisimulang lumiwanag ang kalangitan pagkatapos ng napakadilim na hatinggabi. 

Take note, maliwanag kapag umaga. Sa katanghaliang tapat ang pinakamaliwanag sapagkat dito pinakamatindi ang sikat ng araw. Sa hapon, unti-unting nagpe-fade ang liwanag, lalo na sa dapit-hapon o takipsilim (twilight or dusk), hanggang gumabi kung saan dumilim na at wala nang liwanag. At habang paggabi nang paggabi, lalong nagiging pusikit (matingkad na dilim, napakadilim) ang kadiliman. At ang pinakamatingkad na kadiliman ay hatinggabi or midnight. That is the darkest hour. 

Now, ano ang susunod sa hatinggabi? May mas didilim pa ba sa midnight e yun na nga ang darkest?

Technically, after the darkest hour, magliliwanag nang muli. That is what we call dawn.

And the dawn naturally comes just after the darkest part of night.

Yes, the darkest hour is just before dawn. 

Let's find a parallel in life. 

Darkest hour implies negativity. Ito yung mga matinding pains, sufferings, hopelessness. This is a life situation where not only are you being oppressed and harasssed kundi maaaring may mga physical affictions din and, worse, spiritually low. Kadalasan, during trying times like this, it's hard to find someone with whom you can unburden yourself emotionally... when it's difficult to see things in the right perspective. It is the time where your faith in God is shaken and when you even blasphemously question if there really is God. If He really exists.

But dawn implies the reverse of that. Positive ito. It signifies hope. The dawn is an end to miseries and sufferings as it indicates change - a change for the better. 

Take this. When I had my nervous breakdown as a consequence of a series of traumatic events in my life, I sought professional help. I thought then that seeing a psychiatrist would instantly cure me. But I was mistaken. I started seeing my doctor March of 1980. During that difficult time, 24/7 akong nagdurusa, pain was all over me. Seven days a week. 

Isang taon na, ganoon pa rin ang aking situation.

Dalawang taon na, walang pagbabago. 

Tatlong taon na nagdurusa pa rin ako. At nalimutan ko na kung ano ba ang maginhawang pakiramdam. Hindi ko na matandaan. Of course, napag-aaralan ko naman ang possible reasons what brought me to my sorry state. I was feeling so hopeless that I felt I didn't want to live anymore. The trouble is I was afraid to die. I have no suicidal tendency. Despite emotional turmoil and mental torment, however, it was really a great wonder how I could still decide rationally. Mabait pa rin ako. Napakamapagtiis. And very prayerful. I held on to my faith. 

And on the fourth year of my agony, that was 1984, which seemed to be the darkest, God took me by the hand and rescued me. Basta na lang ako nagulat, nalimutan ko na pala ang pag-inom ng mga tranquilizers ko - five all in all.

When I consulted with my psychiatrist again, tuwang-tuwa siya. That meant pala, magaling na ako. I was almost euphoric. And I had tears of joy.

Nagliwanag muli ang aking araw. After four long and agonizing years, noon lamang ako muling nakadama ng magandang pakiramdam. Hindi ko inakalang makakaranas pa akong muli ng ginhawa ng pakiramdam. 

Kahit hirap na hirap na ako noon, patuloy akong gumawa ng kabutihan. Ang house and lot namin na lubhang napakabigat na obligasyon na iniatang sa aking balikat ay naipundar ko at the height of my severe emotional turmoil and mental torment.

Dawn signifies hope. Whatever situation we find ourselves in, let us not lose hope. Nothing is permanent. Things will get better. 

Or take the case of the pandemic. Hindi ba't everyone was feeling insecure, depressed and hopeless? Everyone was anxious and afraid especially when no cure had been found yet. But God saw the sufferings of His people. And He drove away the dark clouds that veiled the night. Then a cure for covid was eventually discovered. At lumiwanag muli ang dilim ng gabi.

Ganun. 

When you find yourself in a hopeless situation and you feel as though your world is coming to an end, hang on! It might as well be "just a bend... not the end". 

If it's the end, it might as well be the end of your miseries and sufferings. You are in the darkest of hours. And the dawn is coming! Rejoice!

TAMANG PAGTUGON SA PROBLEMA

 Pitumpu't tatlong taon na ako at sa edad kong ito, marami na akong nasaksihan at naranasang bagyong dumating... at umalis.

Oo, mga bagyong iba't iba ang lakas; nagsidating ngunit nagsi-alis din. Walang nanatili isa man. Sapagkat muling sumikat ang araw at gumanda ang panahon.

Ganoon din sa ating buhay. Maraming mga suliraning dumarating na animo unos kung magpahirap sa ating isipa't kalooban. Subalit hindi nagtatagal, nalulutas din natin. Kung hindi man nalutas, nalimutan din o basta na lamang nawala at lumipas.

Kaya't hindi tayo dapat nababalisa kapag nahaharap sa mabibigat na pagsubok. Hindi dapat iyong animo ninanamnam pa nating mabuti ang bawat sandaling inilalagi sa atin ng mga problema. Sapagkat tulad sa dilim ng gabi, sa ayaw natin at sa gusto, lilipas din ang mga iyan. Magliliwanag na muli.

Sa mga sandaling nagsusungit ang kalikasan, sapat na ang sumilong at magkubli upang makaiwas sa pinsalang maaaring idulot nito sa atin. Matiyaga nating hintayin ang kusang pag-alis nito. Iwasan natin ang labis na pag-aalala at pagkabalisa sapagkat maaaring hindi ito makabuti sa atin.

Ang pagkabalisa tulad ng iba pang mga negatibong kaisipan at damdamin ay maaaring makaapekto sa ating kalusugan. May mga internal organs tayong maaaring mapinsala dahil sa matinding negatibong emosyon tulad ng galit, sama ng loob, takot, matinding lungkot, panaghoy, at iba pang tulad nila. May mga pagkakataon ding nagiging sanhi ito ng pagtaas ng blood pressure, blood sugar, at maging atake sa puso. Kaya't nararapat lang na iwasan natin ang pagkabagabag o pagkabalisa. Wala itong mabuting maidudulot sa atin.

Sa anumang sitwasyon sa ating buhay, malakas man ang unos o hindi, at maging krisis man ang ating kinakaharap, makabubuting manatiling kalmado at pinapairal ang katwiran o isipan at hindi ang damdamin.

Ating laging pakatandaan: walang bagyong dumating na hindi umalis! Sa paglisan ng bagyo at sa muling pagsikat ng araw, may ngiti sa labing harapin natin ang isang maganda at bagong umaga.

WHERE TO FOCUS OUR MINDS AND HEARTS

(NOTE:  This is a repost.)

Yesterday, October 7, 2014, I attended mass at Our Lady of Victories Chapel at Harbor Point Mall in Subic.  The Gospel Reading was taken from Luke 10:38-42.
 
In his homily, the priest said that the Lord Jesus Christ and His disciples went to Jerusalem, the place where He would later encounter sufferings and eventually meet His death.  They were welcomed by Martha to her house.   
 
Martha was busy preparing foods for Jesus and His companions.  But what all Mary did was sat beside Jesus and listened to Him.  When Martha complained to Jesus about doing the serving all by herself, the Lord told her that she was so busy and worried about so many things when only one thing is needed.  Mary chose the better part because the Lord Jesus Christ may not be with them again so she took that rare opportunity to listen to Him.
 
In our present world, we have so many concerns and are engrossed with so many activities that seem trivial and not really important.  As a consequence, we live stressful lives that oftentimes lead us to useless anxieties.
 
We should learn how to simplify things.  We should free ourselves of enslaving activities and interests that lead us away from God.  We should focus our minds on what really matters in life.

THANK YOU, PRESIDENT CORY!

(NOTE:  This is a REPOST. Originally published on August 2, 2009)

Corazon C. Aquino, 1933-2009
(Photo from Nueva Ecija Journal)

August 1st is a marked date in my calendar. That is the death anniversary of my mother, Urbana Ayroso-Ramirez (March 19, 1921 - August 1, 1987). 

Yesterday, August 1st, 2009, another great personality (and mother, for that matter) passed away—former President Corazon C. Aquino, the mother of Philippine Democracy. Being a democracy icon not only of the Philippines but of the whole world, President Arroyo has aptly referred to her as a “national treasure”.

I was doing some household chores early yesterday morning when I heard the song “Magkaisa” over the radio or on TV. That song will remind one of EDSA… of People Power Revolution. And the People Power Revolution will always come in close association with the name Cory Aquino.

Being aware of the former president’s health condition, I became apprehensive and worried about what could have happened to her. My inquisitive mind and restless feet brought me to a neighbor’s door where I learned about the sad news that the former president has passed away.

I was emotionally affected. My voice trembled as I continued to ask and talk to my neighbor. And as old and familiar footages and videos of Cory were shown on TV, something started brewing in my eyes.

Many may not know it, but I was a Cory sympathizer during the turbulent period of our nation’s history when the political situation was very, very unstable. Because of the many sufferings, pains, and sacrifices that she had gone through, she easily won the hearts and sympathy of many Filipinos, myself included.

Cory fought with the dictator and it was a David-versus-Goliath-like fight with herself representing David and emerging as the victor in the end.

I remember the mammoth crowds or rallies, the Cory! Cory! Cory! chant, the flashing of the "L" or Laban sign, the yellow ribbons and confetti, and the ticker-tape parade on Ayala Avenue that characterized the political atmosphere of our country during those times.

I had a more-than-a-meter-high pile of Malaya newspaper and another more-than-a-meter-high pile of Mr. & Ms. magazine/newspaper that had accumulated in my living room from the day those “mosquito press” started their publication until the time of, what seemed to me, their "mission's accomplishment".

I had a collection of various foreign broadsheets such as Los Angeles Times, The New York Times, Asian Wall Street Journal, and Stars and Stripes that some fleet shore patrol and stationed American servicemen gave me or inadvertently left in our office (U.S. Naval Base). Those broadsheets carried news and stories about the political turmoil and unrest in our country that couldn’t be read in the local dailies especially when the “mosquito press” were not yet in existence.

After the EDSA Revolution, I also had a collection of various magazines that featured Cory, like the Time Magazine where she graced the cover being its Woman of the Year. 

But transferring from one house to another in Olongapo made it impossible for me to keep all those things intact. I could have boasted of such collections now with their great historical value had I not lost or misplaced them. Living all alone by myself and doing everything all by myself, I have lost track of them and really forgotten what I did with them.

There was even a time when, after Cory had peacefully relinquished the presidency to her successor, I tried to contact her by phone to ask about some matters of importance to me but Ms. Deedee Siytangco, her secretary, told me she had a meeting with foreign journalists. Instead, it was Ballsy, her eldest daughter, who entertained me on the phone. Oh, how pleasant and very accommodating Ballsy was to me!

I also loved listening to Cory’s speeches my most favorite of which was that one she delivered before the joint session of the United States Congress. That particular historical speech made me truly proud to be a Filipino. 

I have read much and widely about Cory Aquino—a plain housewife who suffered much under Martial Law and who was destined to liberate (as she indeed liberated) her countrymen from an oppressive and tyrannical rule, an honest public servant, a woman of Great Faith, and a President known for her simplicity and well-loved by the people. Despite all the pains she suffered in her earthly life, though, history will be kind in judging her. Cory Aquino has already earned a prominent and an enviable place in history. In fact, with the kind of life that she had lived, even sainthood won't be far from her.

Thank you, Tita Cory! Leaving the world of the living may sometimes be sweet especially so when your beloved Ninoy just cannot wait to be with you again. You may now rest in peace.

WE LOVE YOU!

Goodbye.

AN ENCOUNTER WITH A FAMILIAR FACE

AEC members inspecting Hanjin Condotel in Subic 

On November 22, 2019, at about 2:00 pm, I went to Landbank Subic to make a deposit. 

As I was filling out a deposit slip, a lady, probably in her late 40s, came in and greeted me with a smile as though we had frequently met before.

 

Her face looked familiar but I could not remember her name.

 

As I sat on a chair at the waiting area, I tried to reach back hoping to remember her name.

 

Could she be Gina Agustin, then the Chief of Staff of a former Subic Bay Metropolitan Authority (SBMA) Chairman and whom I approached for help in my desire to be reassigned to another SBMA department?

 

Since the lady sat in front of me at the waiting area, I politely asked her if she was Ma’am Gina.

 

She turned her face to me then replied, “Ako si Karen. Si Gina, nasa McDo.” (“I am Karen. Gina is at McDo.”)

I weighed things. Did I offend her? Was she insulted by my question? Was I wrong? Was the lady a total stranger to me?

 

But why did she greet me with a smile?

 

After some ten or fifteen minutes, the male bank teller called, “Miss Karen…” The lady stood up then went to the male bank teller who called.

 

So, she must really be Miss Karen as she had told me. As her transaction was over, she headed for the door, looked back and smiled at me again.

 

After the lady exited the door, the middle aged man sitting beside me smilingly looked at me then commented, “Parang McDo a!” (Looks like McDo, huh!”) referring to an old McDonald’s commercial.

 

After I had exited the bank I was still thinking who that lady could be and where I had interaction with her. Until I accidentally came across Ying, a former co-employee.

I narrated to Ying my story and asked her where I could have met Karen and she replied, “Could she be Karen Magno of the Business Center? She’s now Officer in Charge of the Manufacturing Group.”

 

“Oh, yes! She’s Karen Magno!” I exclaimed.

I knew Karen. She was then Account Officer and we often met at the Account Evaluation Committee (AEC) meeting when I was our Office’s representative to the AEC. But that was more than five years ago.

 

And my mind was back to peace. 

EVERY TIME IT RAINS

A heavy downpour

As I was writing this piece, there was a heavy downpour.  While watching the raindrops fall and listening to the sound they created, a familiar scene suddenly flashed across my mind bringing back some poignant memories. 

In my teens, someone gave me a card where the lyrics of the song "I'll Be Back" by The Beatles were printed. As though making a promise, he wrote at the back of the card an excerpt  from a poem written by Angela Manalang Gloria. And it went like this: 

"You shall not forget

For I am past forgetting

I shall come to you again

With the starlight

And the scent of wild champakas

And the melody of rain." 

Such a very eloquent and deeply moving piece of poetry! 

He was the guy I used to call my best friend. That was when he was still his old authentic self -- kind, humble, refined, timid, soft-spoken, very thoughtful! We had many things and traits in common. I'd say, apart from my mother's unconditional love, his friendship was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

True enough, whenever it rained, he had always come back. Equipped with an umbrella, he would come and ask me to roam around with him. And, despite the weather, it was a most exhilarating experience. Because he made me feel wanted... and needed. He made me feel so very important. 

Sadly, though, with the passing of days (and years), my friend radically changed. The change in his economic status likewise changed his character and the way he dealt with me. 

Even though he's no longer around now, and as if to fulfill the old promise he made, every time it rains, he always comes back. 

But only in my memory. 

MOVIE REVIEW (HINDI TAYO PWEDE)

(NOTE: This is a late blog entry. On March 4, 2020, my close friend, Belen Crescini, called me up and told me she and Nelia were going to see a movie and asked me if I'd like to go with them. I said yes so  we went to the Ayala Malls Cinema.)

Gaudz, Belen and Nelia inside Ayala Malls Cinema

THE MOVIE

"Hindi Tayo Pwede" starred Marco Gumabao, Lovie Poe and Tony Labrusca.

The movie was about lovers Tony and Lovie and best of friends Marco and Lovie.

When Tony met a car accident that took his life, his ghost kept on following Lovie. Lovie was the only person who could still see, touch, feel and talk to him. 

Marco then had the chance to express his love for Lovie whom he had secretly loved for so long. Lovie eventually fell for Marco, too, but the jealous ghost interfered and would not let go of Lovie. 

On one occasion, while Lovie was driving, Tony's ghost kept on nagging her until she lost control of the car and met an accident. Lovie, however, survived the incident. 

When Lovie was rushed to the hospital, Tony felt guilty and sorry for what had happened. 

As Marco was attending to Lovie, he sensed the presence of Tony's ghost and pleaded with him to just forget about Lovie since they now belonged to different worlds. And Tony obliged. 

MY REACTION 

Love can sometimes be fleeting. Short-lived. 

But love can also be so enslaving that it becomes a controlling spirit that interferes in unhealthy ways in our lives. If this is the case, we should try our best to free ourselves from this irrational force so as to be guided by reason. 

There are also other things and persons that control and lead us to living miserable lives -- traumatic past experiences, an oppressive leader or boss, a domineering parent, or even customs and traditions that no longer apply to the present. We MUST break away from these controlling spirits in order to keep our sanity intact. 

But, of course, this is easier said than done.