THE DARKEST HOUR IS JUST BEFORE DAWN

Dawn

(Photo courtesy of J. Tria)

In an attempt to cheer up and brighten the day of a friend who was feeling depressed, I sent her some inspiring words and at the end of my short message wrote, "...the darkest hour is just before dawn."

She quickly responded and asked me to explain what that meant.

During one of the bleakest periods in my life when I felt so all alone, hopeless and helpless and had to exert a real effort to carry on, I made a poster with uplifting words "...the darkest hour is just before dawn" which I excerpted from a song of the American folk-rock vocal group, The Mamas and the Papas.

I hung the poster on a conspicuous place in my room that will serve as reminder to me that sooner or later, things will change and get better. That kept me in perspective and gave me hope to carry on.

Okay, let's explain what that means. 

"...The darkest hour is just before dawn."

First, what is dawn?

The dictionary defines dawn as, "the first appearance of light in the sky before sunrise." 

What is dawn in Tagalog?

"Madaling araw. Or bukang liwayway."

Iyon yung nagsisimulang lumiwanag ang kalangitan pagkatapos ng napakadilim na hatinggabi. 

Take note, maliwanag kapag umaga. Sa katanghaliang tapat ang pinakamaliwanag sapagkat dito pinakamatindi ang sikat ng araw. Sa hapon, unti-unting nagpe-fade ang liwanag, lalo na sa dapit-hapon o takipsilim (twilight or dusk), hanggang gumabi kung saan dumilim na at wala nang liwanag. At habang paggabi nang paggabi, lalong nagiging pusikit (matingkad na dilim, napakadilim) ang kadiliman. At ang pinakamatingkad na kadiliman ay hatinggabi or midnight. That is the darkest hour. 

Now, ano ang susunod sa hatinggabi? May mas didilim pa ba sa midnight e yun na nga ang darkest?

Technically, after the darkest hour, magliliwanag nang muli. That is what we call dawn.

And the dawn naturally comes just after the darkest part of night.

Yes, the darkest hour is just before dawn. 

Let's find a parallel in life. 

Darkest hour implies negativity. Ito yung mga matinding pains, sufferings, hopelessness. This is a life situation where not only are you being oppressed and harasssed kundi maaaring may mga physical affictions din and, worse, spiritually low. Kadalasan, during trying times like this, it's hard to find someone with whom you can unburden yourself emotionally... when it's difficult to see things in the right perspective. It is the time where your faith in God is shaken and when you even blasphemously question if there really is God. If He really exists.

But dawn implies the reverse of that. Positive ito. It signifies hope. The dawn is an end to miseries and sufferings as it indicates change - a change for the better. 

Take this. When I had my nervous breakdown as a consequence of a series of traumatic events in my life, I sought professional help. I thought then that seeing a psychiatrist would instantly cure me. But I was mistaken. I started seeing my doctor March of 1980. During that difficult time, 24/7 akong nagdurusa, pain was all over me. Seven days a week. 

Isang taon na, ganoon pa rin ang aking situation.

Dalawang taon na, walang pagbabago. 

Tatlong taon na nagdurusa pa rin ako. At nalimutan ko na kung ano ba ang maginhawang pakiramdam. Hindi ko na matandaan. Of course, napag-aaralan ko naman ang possible reasons what brought me to my sorry state. I was feeling so hopeless that I felt I didn't want to live anymore. The trouble is I was afraid to die. I have no suicidal tendency. Despite emotional turmoil and mental torment, however, it was really a great wonder how I could still decide rationally. Mabait pa rin ako. Napakamapagtiis. And very prayerful. I held on to my faith. 

And on the fourth year of my agony, that was 1984, which seemed to be the darkest, God took me by the hand and rescued me. Basta na lang ako nagulat, nalimutan ko na pala ang pag-inom ng mga tranquilizers ko - five all in all.

When I consulted with my psychiatrist again, tuwang-tuwa siya. That meant pala, magaling na ako. I was almost euphoric. And I had tears of joy.

Nagliwanag muli ang aking araw. After four long and agonizing years, noon lamang ako muling nakadama ng magandang pakiramdam. Hindi ko inakalang makakaranas pa akong muli ng ginhawa ng pakiramdam. 

Kahit hirap na hirap na ako noon, patuloy akong gumawa ng kabutihan. Ang house and lot namin na lubhang napakabigat na obligasyon na iniatang sa aking balikat ay naipundar ko at the height of my severe emotional turmoil and mental torment.

Dawn signifies hope. Whatever situation we find ourselves in, let us not lose hope. Nothing is permanent. Things will get better. 

Or take the case of the pandemic. Hindi ba't everyone was feeling insecure, depressed and hopeless? Everyone was anxious and afraid especially when no cure had been found yet. But God saw the sufferings of His people. And He drove away the dark clouds that veiled the night. Then a cure for covid was eventually discovered. At lumiwanag muli ang dilim ng gabi.

Ganun. 

When you find yourself in a hopeless situation and you feel as though your world is coming to an end, hang on! It might as well be "just a bend... not the end". 

If it's the end, it might as well be the end of your miseries and sufferings. You are in the darkest of hours. And the dawn is coming! Rejoice!

VINCENT BUENO—MY RESCUER… MY HERO!

Photo from vincentbueno.com

Advent is the season in the Catholic calendar when the Lord Jesus Christ came into the world. I remember it was during this season when I solemnly prayed to the Lord to set me free from my sort of bondage—my slavery from fears and anxieties. 

My Life Before I Knew About Vincent Bueno 

Many do not know it but I had my nervous breakdown three decades ago. And many just don’t know the great sufferings and excruciating pains I had gone through. 

Nervous breakdown can be life's most painful ordeal. Experience-wise, it wasn’t just like having a flu that can be cured for a week. Neither was it like a serious sickness that takes a month or even a year before one recuperates from it. It was like a lingering illness that knows no time when it will be healed. It was like a strange and mysterious malady that has no cure but love, hope, and faith. 

I am speaking, of course, of what I had gone through. 

It was one hell of an experience. It was like a curse. It was like a consolidation of all negative thoughts and emotions that made me tremble in fear almost everyday. 

I became psychosomatic. I thought I was sick. There were nights I was wide awake and couldn’t sleep. Or if I could, I would find myself awakened in the middle of the night almost screaming and sweating profusely. 

I was disturbed as well as disorganized. I exhibited a strange and vacillating behavior. I had ambivalent feelings. 

Life seemed to have lost its meaning. For a time, I felt I didn’t want to live anymore. The trouble is, I was afraid to die. And I realized I have no suicidal tendency. Despite emotional disturbance and mental torment, though, it was a great wonder how I could still decide rationally. 

I had a hopeless, helpless feeling. I sought God but couldn’t find Him. I could not, because my faith was shaken. 

Then I sought professional help. I was prescribed five kinds of tranquilizers. But calming down doesn't mean getting well. Until I found myself heavily dependent on them. I couldn’t do without them. Somehow, though, they helped stabilize my nervous system. 

During that time, I was friendless and very much alone. My doctor, a psychiatrist, was my only friend. I had depended so much on him that when he passed away seven years ago, I felt so insecure. I didn’t know what to do. 

“How did you get into such life situation?” someone may ask me. 

Well, that’s another story and would probably be the topic of a future post on this blog. 

Feeling so very tired, I again turned to God determined to surrender myself to Him. 

There is a biblical passage, one of my most favorite, that I quoted and posted on top of my altar in my office. (Yes, I had an altar in the Budget and Supply Office—then my office—of the Department I am attached to.) 

The biblical passage, taken from the Book of the Prophet Jeremiah, reads: “And Yahweh says, ‘When you call on me, I will listen. You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart.’” (Jeremiah 29:12-13) 

In the Gospel of the Lord according to Matthew, the Lord Jesus Christ also said, “Whatever you ask in prayer full of faith you will receive.” (Matthew 21:22) 

The above biblical passages are promises of God. And the Lord God is always faithful to His promises. Finding great hope in the above passages and believing in God’s promises, I knelt and prayed with all my heart and full of faith. I implored the Most Loving and Merciful Father to release me from the grip of enslaving fears and anxieties. As I ended my very solemn prayer, I realized that, due to its sincerity, my eyes shed tears. 

Then Along Came Vincent Bueno 

On the second week of January, 2008 (a couple of weeks just after the Season of Advent), as I was watching ABS-CBN’s TV Patrol, a Filipino-Austrian’s triumph in a reality show in Vienna was flashed on the TV screen. The news story caught my attention and struck me with so much interest that the following day when news about that Filipino-Austrian guy was on the front page of a daily broadsheet, I read the news story with utmost enthusiasm. 

During those times, I had very low self-esteem and low morale. I felt unimportant and unneeded. Such negative feelings arose from a series of traumatic events as well as the perennial harassment and oppression that I experienced. They were big contributing factors to my feeling of worthlessness. I believe they were major reasons for my negative self-concept. 

I realized then that when people looked down on someone, that person tends to withdraw from them. He tends to withdraw from society until he is caught in depression and live a lonely existence. 

But the great honor Vincent Bueno gained from his feat was shared with his fellow Filipinos worldwide. Oh, how he shouted “Philippines! Philippines!” when he was declared grand winner—sharing with his fellow Filipinos his victory! And every Filipino who knew about his victory found something worthy about his own race. Just like any one of them, I, too, was teeming with pride. I felt I suddenly regained my lost self-esteem. 

The Musical! Die Show, where Vincent emerged as the Champion, was a television musical talent show in Austria that required contestants to do a number in any musical. The songs given to contestants were not of their choice but they had to perform them in their own style. 

I have a natural liking for musicals. I remember, during my teens, my choice of local movies were those of Eddie Mesa and Helen Gamboa—all musicals. Later, when I was already past my teens, I began going for foreign films that starred John Travolta—also musicals. 

Just like what I have mentioned in my earlier post, I was a working child, and earning money at a tender age stole my childhood away from me and blocked my way from pursuing and enjoying my hobbies and interest as a child. Perhaps, that was the reason why I loved watching Vincent’s videos. I missed things like being a fan... and appreciating something that would make me real happy. 

But that was not what gave me much joy. When I congratulated Vince via his MySpace account, he replied to my message. Others may find this an overstatement but just like Vince when he was announced winner of the reality talent show, when I got his first message, I was overwhelmed with joy and showed off his message to my officemates. 

As Vince had more time then to answer fan messages, he continued to exchange messages with me—for the whole year. Watching his videos everyday and exchanging messages with him brought so much joy to my heart, made me feel so very important, and eventually led to driving my fears and anxieties away. And I was greatly amazed one day to find that my fears and anxieties were gone. 

I also discovered that when we are happy, we feel magnanimous. We easily forget the wrongs and hurts done to us. We see and do things in the right perspective. We are likewise liberated from the negative feelings that seem to control us. 

Having found inspiration in the person of Vincent Bueno, I became worry-free. I gained determination and willpower to be healthy. I, thus, started mapping out a plan for self-improvement, health-wise. 

Vincent Bueno is not simply an experience in the entertainment arts nor is he just an encounter with an artist par excellence. He is not merely an inspiration. Vincent Bueno is a manifestation of God’s love. He is the answer to a prayer and God’s instrument in setting a captive free from his slavery. 

Thank you, Vincent Bueno! Happy birthday!

DEJA VU

Two years after graduating from the high school, and armed only with self-confidence, high school diploma, and typing ability, I left my hometown for Manila to search for a job. Young and pretty smart (excuse me for being so presumptuous), I was hired as Secretary to the General Manager of a manufacturing firm in Frisco, Quezon City. 

Then, after nearly a couple of years, I left my work for a greener pasture in the American Base in Subic Bay where, despite the odds, I fortunately landed in a far better-paying job than the one I left in Quezon City. 

During that time, job opportunities in Saudi Arabia and other Middle East countries were still unheard of such that even if mine was but a rank-and-file position, I took my job with a great deal of pride. 

Greater opportunities could have come my way but for a strange quirk of fate, a series of traumatic and unpleasant events started coming in and blocked my way from grabbing those golden opportunities. 

Long distance calls kept bugging me as I was busy with my work. My younger brother would relay to me disheartening news that my father was brought to the hospital. The next day or two, my brother would again call informing me that our second-to-the-eldest brother was likewise brought to the hospital. Then I would receive another phone call for another bad news which said my youngest brother was being sued for an alleged offense I can no longer recall. 

That same week, I received threatening letters from my grandfather’s only sister warning me that if we would not leave the place where our old house stood, she would confront my mother everyday. She then sent me via mail a copy of the case she filed in court that made me very, very anxious and frantically nervous. 

This avalanche of trying circumstances occurred when I haven’t gotten over yet with my breakup with the person I used to call my best friend who was then a great source of my inner strength. 

Those stormy experiences tortured me and gave me sleepless nights that eventually led to nervous breakdown. 

In what I had experienced, nervous breakdown seemed like some sort of possession of the mind. It was like a bondage… a slavery… a demonic oppression. I sought professional help, periodically saw a psychiatrist for so many years but he told me I was hopeless as far as medicine is concerned. I gotta find some other ways to be healed. 

Just recently, a series of unpleasant circumstances occurred again. A déjà vu of what had happened in the past. 

I was attending the Christian Life Program of the Couples for Christ at the San Roque Church in Subic when I received text messages from my niece informing me her mother, my eldest sister, was rushed to the hospital. 

Almost simultaneously with that, my nephew also called me up on my cell phone telling me his Daddy, my youngest brother, was in jail and asking me to call the City Mayor, a former classmate of mine in the high school, and request him to do something for his Dad’s release. 

Text messages from a nephew and a niece whom I both send to college found their way in my cell phone’s inbox telling me their final examinations were coming and payments were due. 

At work, as reorganization was under way, some co-workers kept maligning my name and fed false information to the one in power and authority that had always been the reason why I was being asked to report to his office to explain. 

As I have reached the deadline our landlady had set to vacate the room I was renting, as the third floor of the building where my room was located had to be renovated, conflict in my priorities started slowly taking shape. 

All the above incidents explain my absence in blogosphere lately and why I had not been active updating my posts. But having grown older and wiser, I now know how to deal with such life situations. Like a stormy weather that will soon pass, I know life situations--sooner or later-- will surely get better. As the trauma had slowly faded away, like a silver lining after the storm, there is great hope I could really catch up on things I left unfinished. 

Friends and readers, I missed you all an awful lot!